Stay Close to Me
by Zeroize
Summary: Daryl has never been close to anyone in his life, but Rick is hellbent on breaking down his barriers. Unfortunately every step Rick takes forward Daryl is taking two steps back. (Rick x Daryl. Incoming: lots of smut later ;])
1. Chapter 1

Daryl couldn't remember exactly when his thoughts had become unraveled, when he'd become caught in an unending chain of surprises at the hands of Rick. Daryl's entire life was spent trying to blend into the background, never leading anyone, never experiencing hope or inspiration. He could remember the days when he would never look him in the face, his eyes finding comfort in staring submissively at the ground.

"Look at me." Rick's voice reverberated through his thoughts.

"I'm fine." Daryl spat back as he flinched at Rick's advance on him. His words were ignored as the sheriff reached out to grab his arm. "I ain't bit, back the fuck up." Daryl took a couple quick steps backward to avoid the touch, finally looking up just long enough to pull up his crossbow, firing without hesitation past Rick's head and landing an arrow clean through the skull of a strangler walker.

Rick clenched his jaw, not at being drawn on but more so at having Daryl be so snappy with him. Rick exhaled slowly, nodding his head. "I was only worried." His voice softened, his eyes not wavering from his face.

Daryl was feeling particularly irritated that day, unfortunately he couldn't pinpoint exactly where his discomfort was seeping from. Maybe it was the frequency in which he caught Rick looking at him lately, being the observant man he was he could feel every second he was being watched. Even at that moment he carefully watched Rick's eyes fall to his lips before quickly falling the the ground as he turned on his heel.

He felt blood trickle down his arm from where he'd slammed into a wall moments before Rick came to 'rescue' him. They had decided to go alone on a supply late that afternoon, they didn't need much and made the mistake of believing it would be a quick and easy task to scout for meds and food to bring back to the prison. They'd already filled their bags with as much items as possible before getting trapped in a convenience store by a small herd of walkers. Thankfully they'd just cleared the last of them and could make their way out to the small car they took together. It was now getting dark and Daryl had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as they approached the back door of the shop.

"We can't fight another herd like that, I know you ain't gonna like it but I say we bunker down here for the night. We ain't far from the prison an' they're safe tonight, we won't be if there's more standin' outside this door waitin' for us." Daryl knew Rick was out of ammo, he'd carefully counted the shots during their scuffle, he also knew his body was tired, every breath he took shot a pain through his abs and the blood loss from his arm wasn't helping either.

"Look, we can create a distra-..."

"No, I ain't goin' out there, I know you're worried about gettin' back to the group but they can look out for themselves and this spot will be safe if we bar the door. Now you gonna help me block them out or you gonna sit there an' bitch about things some more?" Daryl was definitely fed up with his day at this point, he clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth making a small 'tch' sound as he dropped his bags to the ground, getting to work blocking off the front and back entrances to the shop. Rick didn't say anything in response, he simply let out a sigh and began helping.

Within a short time frame they made themselves safe, Daryl slumped back against a concrete wall, sliding down into a sitting position with a cringe on his face. He glanced over at his bag on the floor beside it, pulling it towards him and unzipping it, digging hastily through the supplies he found what he was looking for, a small orange bottle of pills. He popped a couple into his mouth, hastily swallowing them with his dry throat, turning up his lip at the bitter taste.

"Really?" Rick snatched the bottle from his hand. "I'm trapped here with you for the night and you're going to take drugs?"

" 's for sleepin'."

Rick let out a sigh, crouching down in front of him and burying his face in his hands. Even though Daryl was good at reading people's body posture he sometimes had trouble understanding Rick's thought process, like at that moment how he was looking at him as if he cared but there was also guilt there.

"You been lookin' at me an awful lot today." Daryl said defensively. He watched Rick's posture change again, this time was discomfort.

"I just care, I guess lately you just feel more like family to me, I want you to be safe. I want you to survive with me." His words were slow and careful but they only made Daryl want to pull away even more. He was never attached to idea of a family, if anything it disgusted him. He didn't necessarily want anyone caring for him either, his entire life he never really cared about anyone else. For the first time that day he looked up at into Rick's face, their eyes meeting briefly, and maybe it was the Xanax he took but he felt his heart flutter.

It was an uncomfortable feeling he couldn't shake, it only amplified as he glanced at Rick's lips, noting how dry and chapped they'd become. His hair was longer now adorned here and there with greys that probably grew from stress. This was the most he'd observed him all day, he had a cut across his cheek that was lightly smudged with dry blood. He smelled of sweat, blood and gasoline.

* * *

Daryl could recall this hot feeling that lingered in his throat once before, he felt it years prior to the apocalypse when his brother had introduced him to an attractive girl. He tagged along with his brother to a small rundown bar where they would often go to play pool, and Merle's go to place for buying drugs. It was always filled with cigarette smoke and scantily dressed redneck girls. He was almost pleasantly surprised when a modestly dressed, petit girl approached him and sat on the stool next to him.

She looked at him and smiled, though he assumed she must be smiling elsewhere since no one ever seemed to have any interest in him. She struck up a small conversation, saying Merle was an old friend of hers, that he'd encouraged her to go sit next to him that night. It was nice back then, having someone talk to openly to him, feeling a delicate hand slip under the bar top to softly brush against his thigh. He didn't built such a massive wall in his mind yet, he didn't ask any questions by the time he was drunkenly stumbling out of the bar, hiding behind the dingy building with her.

By the time his mind caught up with his drunk actions he felt his anxiety building, replacing any fluttering feelings his heart momentarily felt. "Somethin' wrong?" She was asking as she groped between his legs. Though he was still fully clothed he immediately knew she could feel something was wrong. He felt tense, sudden disgust, was his first real encounter with a girl interested in him supposed to be so nauseating? "Hey, you listening? You having problems getting it up? Don't tell me you're some kind of fag."

He couldn't hide the embarrassment, he'd never forget how he felt at that moment. "Fuck off, I ain't no queer, and I don't want some bitch just lookin' for a fuck." He shoved her away, though it was a rather gentle shove it was enough to make her snap and smack him across the cheek.

"Whatever, your brother paid me fifty bucks just to get your sorry ass laid, you ain't even worth a pity fuck. Probably the ugliest limp dick motherfucker I ever seen anyway." Her words cut deep, he wanted to give a retort but he was left with no words, he clicked his tongue and walked past her. He made up his mind that sex was disgusting anyway, a joyless way to vent physical desires, and something he never wanted a part of.

* * *

Rick still kneeled in front of him, he gently reached out towards Daryl, causing him to flinch away quickly, furrowing his brows and raising an upper lip in disgust. Rick paused, his hand freezing for a moment in the air before he pulled away, he must have easily seen that Daryl didn't want to be touched at that moment and he respected it.

When he thought about it something sparked in his mind, it's not that he completely didn't want Rick to touch him, infact what made him nervous was that he /did/ want him to reach out. Rick's hands looked rough, covered in dirt from the days scavenge, they weren't delicate or pretty at all. They were definitely manly, yet they were smaller than his own, the thought brought a very faint smile to the corner of his lips.

"Sorry." Rick suddenly spoke sternly.

"What for?"

"For getting us in this mess today, I was careless."

Daryl felt his guard drop slightly at his words, hearing the word 'sorry' might have been one of his rare weaknesses. To have the powerful and protective leader of their group apologize was somehow satisfying. Rick was a good guy, the first person in Daryl's entire life he could look up to. Maybe the drugs had finally kicked in but he felt himself relax as he suddenly reached out and placed a hand over Rick's. "S'alright." It didn't feel how he imagined, his hand was cold, rough and dirty. Reality trickled back in as he went to quickly pull away but Rick caught his hand and gently squeezed it, as if trying to transmute his emotions through the touch, before he let go.

Rick gave him a soft, understanding smile before letting out a loud sigh and laying back onto the concrete. He let out a satisfied groan as he stretched his back and arms out. "Guess this spot is as good as any to sleep." He declared. If anyone else heard his voice they would only hear relief and a bit of happiness, but Daryl picked up on the light quivering of nerves, the small tremble in his voice that lingered. Daryl couldn't help but wonder why he would be nervous, maybe it was just the cold making him shake.

Normally he wouldn't sleep, insomnia always took over at the prison and Daryl would find himself pacing the courtyard for hours on end. Watching the flicker of a candle in the watchtower where he knew Glenn and Maggie were ravaging each other like animals. He'd often walk through the cells, always stopping at the end in front of the thin curtain that covered Rick's cell. Sometimes he'd hear him lightly snoring there and he'd find comfort in knowing he was alive.

He laid down on the concrete beside Rick, curling up facing away from him. He was tired, he was relieved to know the medicine was working and for once he could sleep. Instinctual fear kept him on edge as he listened to every little noise and rustle of the wind outside, ready to jump up and fight at any moment. He could hear Rick stir behind him then all too quickly he felt the sheriff roll into him.

"The fuck?" He half shouted, body tensing up and head whipping to the side to glare at him.

"I'm sorry, it's just cold and we don't have blankets."

Their bodies were pressed together, though Rick was smart enough not to touch him or reach an arm over, instead he folded his arms across his own chest, his stomach pressed to his back, legs touching one anothers, his warm breath grazing the back of Daryl's neck, making his hair stand on end.

"For the record I ain't into no queer shit."

He heard Rick chuckle at his words, a genuine smile danced on his lips and Daryl laid his head back down on the cold concrete. While he wanted to move further away he found a small comfort in being so close to Rick. He'd never laid this close with anyone, nonetheless his first time cuddling with someone was now going to be with a man. He wanted to complain more but the cold crept up on him and Rick's stomach felt warm on his back. He guessed this was the product of the new, fucked up world they were a part of.

In a world with no love Rick was probably looking for some old comforts, Daryl though. With Lori being dead and the whole Shane thing... That's probably when Rick started looking at Daryl more, he knew instantly Lori and Shane were a couple for a while, he saw Rick tear himself down when he finally found out. He noticed how to reached out to the others for small comforts he probably once shared with Lori. Maybe that's all he was to Rick, a sad replacement. Prior to that he never caught Rick looking at his lips or trying to reach out and touch him. He was probably lonely, it was only normal, to feel alone in this world. There was no way they would normally sleep with their bodies pressed together like this, Daryl took it with a grain of salt.

Even at that he let go of his thoughts, rolling over so he was facing Rick, their arms both folded tightly against their own chests as if trying very hard not to touch each other with their arms or hands. Their knees pressed together and Rick slowly opened his eyes to look up. Piercing blue eyes met with Daryls, this time he held eye contact with him, normally Daryl would submissively look away but this time he wanted to see something, see if there was anything there other than his own disillusioned thoughts. Rick swallowed, his lips parting slightly as his eyes trailed down to Daryl's pursed, tight lips, tracing over to the mole just above them then back up into his eyes. He watched Rick's tongue move quickly across his bottom lip, almost suggestively. He felt the tension in the air as they both exhaled softly before Rick quickly rolled away onto his other side to face the wall. Daryl felt the tension slowly leave his shoulders, his heart pounded loudly in his ears. He forced himself to breathe slowly. Whatever moment it was they just shared he knew he had to crush it, he refused to be weak anymore, he would survive and he definitely would never let his heart falter.

* * *

Hello reader,

Thanks for reading! I'd like to start with saying I take any and all tips, advise and ideas. The most encouraging thing for me is reviews, I love each and every one of them. In the meantime I'll try to post chapters regularly and quickly. I plan on this being slow build so rating is definitely for later chapters (smut incoming.)


	2. Chapter 2

Not surprisingly Daryl was the first to wake up the next morning at the first light of day. He groaned as he pushed himself off the concrete. He paused mid action as he looked down at Rick's sleeping face. Even in this fucked up world around them it was almost unnatural to see something so peaceful. Dried blood adorned his face from the night before, his bottom lip twitched just barely in his sleep. He thought of waking him but figured this might be the first good sleep the sheriff has had in a long time, he had no right to take that away from someone.

He slowly lowered back down into a sitting position, legs crossed in front of him as his eyes darted wildly around, absorbing all of his surroundings. It was dead quiet, no sign of walkers immediately outside, the only sound was of Rick's soft breathing. There was a tension in his shoulders he couldn't quite shake as he looked back down. He reached out cautiously and brushed a small piece of hair out of Rick's face then slowly brought it down along his cheek, sliding against the stubble on his face and resting there for a second.

He wondered dully if Rick would even care that he was touching him, maybe he would just be disgusted. He felt something slowly changing in him though, previously he'd never have interest in touching someone. It was as if he was trying to memorize his face, taking in all of it's features to their fullest, knowing one day he would cease to exist.

Rick suddenly took a deep breath in, causing Daryl to jump back quickly, snatching his hand away as if he was embarrassed by his actions. Rick stretched, groaning as he rolled over on the concrete to push himself up. They both wordlessly collected their bags and weapons, both knowing they had to return to the prison, their false 'home'. Daryl knew he could never find any place in the world anymore that felt normal and maybe he got along with Rick so well because he saw that he also felt somewhat the same. They loaded up the small compact car they brought along for the trip and began their ride back.

Daryl constantly surveyed the land for walkers, even at full speed in the car, through the empty fields and rubbled towns. He felt the silence creeping in more and more, even with his head turned he could feel Rick's eyes on him.

"Thanks for taggin' along on this run." Rick broke the silence but only recieved a shrug in response as Daryl continued to watch out the window. He hesitated for a moment as if wanting to say something important. "You've been awful quiet lately."

"You've been watchin' me an awful lot lately." His retort was tinged with malice.

"I just care about you is all."

Daryl took the comment with a grain of salt.

"Can I stop by your cell tonight? I have a uhh... well kind of a surprise I guess."

Daryl wanted to say yes almost out of pure curiosity but his gut also told him to say no, it told him not to get close to anyone. He didn't really like surprises anyway. Maybe he'd followed Rick a little too loyally before without really expressing his thoughts and that's why he had the wrong impression of him. Maybe he'd have to show Rick exactly how much he didn't want to be a part of anyone's life or interest.

He thought again about how much he'd been stared at lately, how uncomfortable it made him. How naked it made him feel. Maybe this was his chance to break Rick's expectations of him down. Disregarding what the sheriff had said to him he continued on.

" 's funny how ya only started starin' at me after Lori died."

He felt the effect of his words as the car slightly slowed it's speed, he saw the small clench of Rick's jaw. 'Nailed it.' He thought bitterly, he suspected Rick's change in attitude towards him was just seeking comfort after the loss of his wife, his actions now were only a confirmation.

Rick's mood shifted, his voice darkened as his hand tightened on the wheel. "You got somethin' you need to say to me?"

"C'mon man I ain't stupid, I see the way you look at me when you think I don't. Lookin' at me like a damn perv."

The car braked suddenly, tires squealing on concrete loud enough to lead all the walkers in a five mile radius to them. It took Daryl by surprise as he had to catch himself from smashing into the dash with his hand. He knew this was it, he'd force Rick to tell him how he looked to Daryl for some sort of fucked up emotional replacement. He'd seen it in his eyes ever since Rick learned what Shane did. He saw it even more when Lori died.

The scary and confusing part was that Daryl somehow caught himself staring more also, unable to control the warm feeling that caught in his throat like a flame, it flickered and dulled over and over. He hated how interested he was in Rick, he absolutely wanted to crush it right then and there. He couldn't get his own hopes up like he had before the apocalypse, he despised the fact that he might have even liked how many times he caught Rick staring.

Rick took a deep breath in through his nose and exhaled slowly. He expected some sort of spiteful response, maybe even a swift punch to the face with the look of murder Rick was exhuming. Instead he was caught off guard even more when Rick calmed his voice. "Is that the impression you have of me?"

" 's what I know."

"And how about the looks you've been giving me? The way you touched my face this morning?"

Daryl flinched, lowering his head in a shameful manner. He felt himself shutting down completely, he had no argument for his own actions. He only really wanted this argument as a confirmation that maybe Rick hadn't been thinking of him that way, or if he had it didn't mean anything, but he only felt more confused and defeated. He couldn't answer. He jumped when he felt the back of Rick's fingers brush against his own cheek.

"I guess maybe I owe you an apology, I don't want to give you the impression that i'm looking for a replacement for Lori. I didn't think i'd done much to warrant those thoughts but if I did it wasn't intentional. This world's just lonely, is it wrong to seek to comfort or love or even hope?"

Daryl still refused to answer, his mind raced, he needed to step out of the car and take a breath of fresh air. He flung the door open, jumping out quickly while trying to process the conversation at hand. Rick really was looking at him, he really was thinking about him, right? He felt a tension in his gut that he couldn't shake. He heard Rick get out of the car also, frenzied footsteps shuffling towards him.

"Which one is it that you want from me then?" Daryl spat, turning to face Rick. "Comfort? Hope? Love?" He felt his voice crack, he knew no one would ever seek him for love, he didn't even know if he was capable of love. Of course the obvious answer was comfort, a cheap replacement for what Rick once had. He saw the pained expression on Rick's face, deeply furrowed eyebrows, frown down turned as if in pain. Daryl knew he didn't need a response, maybe he inwardly didn't want one, for once he acted on his own selfish desires.

He knew what he wanted at that moment, what his throat and stomach had been telling him for a while. As Rick stood in silence Daryl shoved him with more force than intended against the side of the small car with a loud 'thump'. He already made up his mind before this moment even happened that if he could briefly satisfy Rick then this tension would all be over. After all he was only about to cave into what Rick had been wanting and silently asking for, right?

Daryl pinned Rick to the car with his arm, holding him there with all the strength he had. He saw glimmer of fear in his eyes fading, pupils expanding as Daryl used his free hand to unbuckle his belt.

"Dary-..."

Daryl quickly and roughly covered Rick's mouth with the hand he was using to pin him to the car, silencing him. 'Shut up.' He thought, 'You wanted this.' His hand slipped past the waistband of Rick's boxer briefs. He felt explosions in the pit of his stomach, fireworks reverberating in his mind. Rick was already hard as he wrapped his fingers around him. Rick's eyes slammed shut as he let out a loud raspy moan against his hand. He ran his fingers over the tip which was already slicked with pre cum. He bit back the urge to slide his tongue against Rick's exposed neck. He reveled in how submissive the man became in his hand.

He stroked him quickly and roughly, without compassion, completely dominating the man that was now gasping uncontrollably against his hand. He wanted to give in and lose himself in the moment, he wanted to actually feel something for once, but the nagging thought of being some cheap replacement still remained at the forefront of his mind. But if it was for Rick he already made up his mind to do anything for him, he'd follow him to the ends of the rotten Earth they lived on, he'd give up his body and pride to satisfy him. Almost as quickly as his assault started it was over, Rick half shouted, biting down on the palm of his hand as he finished in his own pants.

He felt the sting from the bite as he removed both of his hands from the man, wiping them on his own pants. What caught him off guard was Rick suddenly stepping forward, he could feel his hot breath against his lips as they almost touched. He jumped back quickly, turning up his upper lip at him. He felt Rick's hand grope between his legs but he was only half hard, he only wanted to do this for Rick, he knew it was nothing mutual yet he wasn't prepared for the grope. He noted the look of disappointment on Rick's face. He could have laughed looking back on his past, how he somehow found himself in yet another sexual encounter years later in life when he was too nervous to get it up. He turned to walk away and froze when his arm was grabbed.

"Wait, please." Once again Rick leaned forward towards his lips, and once more Daryl shoved him back, with more force and disdain this time.

"Ain't nobody's bitch." He could have killed Rick with the look he gave him. He didn't want to give him the wrong impression, he didn't want Rick to develop disillusioned feelings based on a spontaneous encounter. He stepped around him, leaving him slumped against the back door of the car as he sat back in the vehicle, slouching down in the passengers seat and slamming the door hard enough to make Rick jump. He watched him slump against the car and stumble a bit before making his way back to the driver's seat. He wanted to remember Rick's face in that moment, after being ravished, cheeks still red and eyes darkened. He also wanted to crawl into a hole and hide knowing he took advantage of a friend, and let a friend take advantage of him.

The ride back to the prison was silent and awkward. Mostly awkward. They both unpacked and pretended as if nothing had happened between them. Nobody even seemed to notice that they were no longer constantly watching each other, that they didn't sit down to eat together that night like they usually did. Daryl resigned himself to his dark cell, not bothering to even light a candle but finding comfort in the darkness. He wondered dully what Rick's surprise would have been that night. He felt his chest tighten as his actions finally caught up to him. He couldn't explain why he felt like crying. He knew his feelings were merely a product of his environment, that outside of this dead world they wouldn't have even been friends, this world tricked them into some sort of artificial feelings of attachment for one another. He could never really love Rick... right?

* * *

Short chapter but I had to get some of the Rickyl tension out of the way early so I can build more on their emotions in the next few chapters. Excuse any grammatical errors or typos, I had to write this quickly before starting my work week back up!

As always please review.


	3. Chapter 3

A few days after returning from the prison had passed without incident but Daryl found himself frantically pacing his cell, nervously chewing at his thumb nail. He'd managed to avoid Rick almost completely but he wondered if he should suck it up and apologize, yet something in him wanted to do it all over again. He needed fresh air, maybe a hunt or just a walk to calm his frantic mind. He ripped the sheet covering his cell door open only to be surprised by Maggie walking by. They both jumped a little and Daryl let out a relieved sigh.

"Daryl, I didn't know you were here in the cell block, you scared me half to death."

"I could say the same."

Maggie paused and scanned his face, she seemed to notice that he looked a bit frantic. "You alright?"

"Fine."

She frowned. "I noticed you've been actin' a little strange lately. Ya know... ya know you can always talk to me."

Daryl wanted to tell her everything was fine and blow her off, he wasn't one for talking about his feelings anyway, but curiosity got the better of him. "How did you an' Glenn do it?"

She let out a small snort. "Do... what?"

"How did he tell ya he liked you? I mean... how did you know he liked you?" Daryl struggled to express what he was thinking but Maggie seemed to see through it quickly as her demeanor relaxed and she smiled.

"Sometimes you just know. I mean, I saw him watching me, he always tried to stand close to me, it was like gravity was always pulling us together even in an empty room. If you like someone you gotta just go for it, the first time me kissed I think I just knew... everything felt right. I fell in love with that kiss." He could see her eyes light up as she spoke, it made him feel more relaxed as well. He gave a weak smile but his eyes still narrowed with concern.

"But what if... ya never kissed no one before." He felt unbearably awkward at this point and he rubbed the back of his head, avoiding looking her in the face.

Maggie laughed lightheartedly. "Are you saying there's someone you're thinkin' of kissing?"

"No!" He half shouted. "I mean maybe someone tried kissin' me and now i'm all confused, my head ain't sure what to think. No one ever liked me before." Daryl couldn't read the look she was giving him in response, maybe pity or sympathy.

"Sometimes we gotta let the pathways of our hearts guide us, ultimately love is something that survives us all." She gave him a small nod, gently touching his shoulder. "Don't worry, I won't tell nobody we had this conversation if you don't want me to. I gotta go meet up with Glenn now but i'm always here if you need anything."

Daryl gave her a nod in response. After she left he stood there for a while with his head hung down, mulling over her words. And as she left she couldn't help but wonder who the hell could have possibly tried to kiss Daryl.

He made his way to the prison tables where the group typically ate meals together and much to both his dismay and relief he found Rick sitting at a table eating canned corn, intently reading a book. He figured now was as good of time as any to break his three day silent treatment.

"Mornin'." He mumbled, almost smiling at the shocked look on Rick's face at the sound of his voice as he nearly dropped the small can. He set his book aside and their eyes met briefly, though it was quick he saw Rick's eyes drop to his lips.

"Mornin' Daryl. You been feelin' okay lately?"

"Fine I guess, same's always." Even with the large room being completely empty he felt compelled to sit beside Rick, he found a strange comfort in being close to him. He sat slowly down on the bench. "I wanted to say sorry... for the other day, I shouldn't have pushed myself on ya."

He watched Rick's jaw tense just ever so slightly. "No need to apologize, you didn't do anything I didn't want."

For some reason or another Daryl hadn't expected that answer, he'd thoroughly convinced himself he did something that was probably gross and unwanted. He felt some sense of relief in those words. He let out a small sigh and responded.

"My mind is just all jumbled up lately."

"Hey, you remember I mentioned having a surprise?" Rick's voice was low and kind.

"Well, yea... so?" Of course he remembered, he interrupted that conversation when he snapped on him and started a petty fight over nothing before pinning him to a car and ravaging him. The look of guilt probably still clung to his face even now.

"If you don't mind i'd still like to share it with you, if you'll be free tonight when everyone heads off to bed."

Daryl's only response was a small nod in agreement. He felt relief wash over him at the tone of the conversation they had, he could have laughed at how much tension he'd built up over it and yet the minute he sat down with Rick it was like everything was good and normal. Rick laughed a little to himself as he began to stand up, before Daryl could question what he was laughing at he leaned down. His lips were nearly touching Daryl as his voice hushed almost to a raspy whisper, causing him to flinch away.

"That thing you did with your hands, you were really good at it."

Daryl could nearly hear the lust rolling off those words and for once he lost his composure a little, his expression flushed with embarrassment before he buried his face into his hands.

'Fuck.' Was the only thought he could muster, by the time he looked back up Rick was already walking away. 'Rick fuckin' Grimes.'

Daryl knew deep down he was afraid to get close, and being the walking contradiction he was he was also afraid to be completely alone, even though his whole life was spent alone. There was a gentleness to Rick that he wasn't used to but there was also a darkness, a hate. He was attracted to both of those, he recognized a long time ago that Lori rejected the hate and anger within Rick, but Daryl wanted all of it.

Daryl was about to stand up when he looked down and noticed Rick had set the book he was reading down on the bench. He must have forgot it when he left. Daryl carefully picked it up, making sure he didn't lose the page it was already open to. He carefully read over the words that were underlined with a dull pencil.

'The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.'

The words resonated with him but he wondered what they really meant to him, more so he wondered what they really meant to Rick. Prior to the Walker outbreak he lived only to exist, even to this day he lived with no real purpose or inspiration. He only knew survival. On his last run with Rick he noticed a change that shook him, he was actually afraid to get hurt, not for fear of the pain itself but knowing he might never get to see Rick again. His attachment to him had become so profound and thought provoking.

Again he told himself he couldn't think this way, Rick would never really love him and what happened between them was purely physical release. He wouldn't let his heart fool him.

* * *

The rest of the day seemed to drag by, Daryl paced the corridors of the prison relentlessly. Everyone seemed too afraid to interrupt him or ask what was wrong so much to his pleasure he was left alone to his thoughts. He saw the worried looks from Carol and Beth but he didn't care. He was a little nervous by the time he saw the sun going down as he made his way to his small cell. He lit a few candles before it turned completely dark and bunkered down on his bed. It made him almost uncomfortable knowing he was actually excited to see to Rick that night.

He heard a light 'knock' at the concrete wall outside his cell before Rick pulled the sheet open and let himself in. He had a small tan bag slung over his shoulder which he carefully lowered to the floor. As Daryl sat up on the edge of his bunk Rick knelt down and dug through the bag before speaking softly.

"I'm not normally one to let loose but I found something you might like, well, I heard you talkin' about it once before anyway."

Daryl raised an eyebrow at him and watched in silence and he pulled out two large mason jars, filled with a crystal clear substance which he recognized almost instantly. "Did you go an' loot some moonshine?" Just seeing the jars made him feel nostalgic but it also brought back unwanted memories. His brother's voice echoed in his head clear as day, 'I like it when yer drunk, ya actually got a personality when ya drink.' Merle was an asshole but he was probably right.

"It was hard to keep it secret but I wanted to share it with you." He pulled out two small plastic cups that he'd taken from the cafeteria, pouring them each a small drink respectively. Daryl took his cup with an unsure hand, by the face he was making you would have assumed he was holding a rattlesnake instead. "Cheers." Rick held up his cup, tilting it for a moment towards Daryl before they both took a sip.

He'd grown used to the bitter, metallic flavor, followed by the burn that filled your nose and throat, the sweltering it left in your chest. He couldn't help but smirk as he watched Rick's face contort trying to process the intensity of the drink. Hell he'd been drinking moonshine since he was a little boy and his dad thought it was funny to watch the kids try it, it was kind of amusing seeing how Rick looked like he could hardly handle a small sip.

"I'm a tell you now, i'm an asshole drunk." Daryl warned, a lightness to his voice that he normally didn't have, as if lowering his walls for a moment.

Rick laughed a bit, "You're an asshole when you're sober." He looked down at his cup for a moment. "About what happened between us befo-..."

"Ain't talkin' about it." Daryl abruptly cut him off, shoulders tensing up. Fuck, why'd he have to be reminded of it? As if he hadn't vividly dreamed about it every day since, Rick haunted him. He'd imagined what it might be like to touch him before. Then they were touching. He could never admit to Rick that it was premeditated. It wasn't alright he had those thoughts, it was worse he'd acted on them. He just wanted to bury it in his past like every other mistake he'd ever made in his life. He chugged down his cup as if it were water before tossing it to the floor. He stood up and snatched one of the full jars of alcohol, taking a swig of it and sitting back on the edge of his bed.

He watched Rick tense his jaw as if refraining from saying more, or from telling him to slow down on the drinking, but he remained quiet for a moment before muttering. "Alright." Daryl wanted to shut down like he always did but for some reason he actually felt compelled to speak, though it was probably just the overly concentrated alcohol working it's way into his mind.

"Merle damn near killed his own best friend." He frowned, recounting numerous bad memories. "One time when we was kids. I was only ten an' didn't know what was really goin' on, but he put the kid in the hospital near dead. Found out from pops it was cause he found out his friend was gay." It was rare of Daryl to take control of a conversation, none the less to open up about a dark part of his life. But he felt the need to let Rick know a little about who he was, or who he used to be. "I felt bad for the kid but at the time I thought he was sick, somethin' wasn't wired right in his brain." Of course he was smarter than that now, but he didn't want to give Rick the impression that what they did was okay.

Rick was clearly processing the conversation, jaw still clenched, only relaxing enough to take another bitter drink. Instead of acknowledging what he'd just been told he chose to change the subject up a bit. "You ever loved anybody?"

Daryl really didn't like this discussion, he drank even quicker, hoping to drown it out a bit. He didn't like people learning too much or prying into his past, mostly 'cause there was nothing good to be found there. He thought at one point he loved Merle, as his only family, not in any caring sort of way but just by default. He solemnly shook his head back and forth as if to say 'No.' Rick narrowed his eyes on him. Daryl didn't even have to ask the same thing in return, he knew Rick had lots of people he loved. He was caught a little off guard when Rick continued, "I hope you know I care about you."

Daryl broke free from his thoughts for long enough to let out a small laugh. He felt some comfort there because he could hear the sincerity reverberating in Rick's voice and he answered it with an equal amount of sarcasm. "I know, i'm irresistible an' all, how could ya not care about me?"

This might be the first time he'd ever drank a little too much and found himself joking and laughing rather than angry and spiteful. It felt good to relax just a little, "I forgot what bein' lit even felt like, never imagined it'd be alone in my cell with you."

"I honestly wouldn't want it to be any other way." Rick must have been a little drunk himself. Normally Daryl would only catch him staring out of the corner of his eye, as if he was trying to hide it. But right now, sitting in front of him, Rick's eyes were locked on him, unflinching. Those damn blue eyes, radiating so much warmth and /good/. Daryl held eye contact for long enough that it felt he would get lost in those pools, it was as if they were having an entire conversation without saying a word.

He watched those blue eyes lower to rest on his lips, Rick inadvertently slid his tongue over his dry bottom lip. That was enough to ignite a fire in Daryl's chest. Not knowing what he truly wanted at that moment made him uncomfortable, he'd never thought he would find someone so undeniably attractive. That's right, Rick was very attractive, Daryl knew he wasn't the only one who saw it, everyone gravitated to him. He was a fearless leader, someone everyone could look to. He imagined before the apocalypse Rick was probably pretty popular with the ladies - whether he knew that or even cared to. Which was funny because when Daryl thought of himself he could only imagine what he'd been called before, 'ugly'. Or he wouldn't think of himself at all really.

Clarity came to him in the form of strong alcohol, he wanted Rick. In wrong ways, in innocent ones, in every meaning of the word 'want'. 'Fuck, I want you.' He admitted to himself. As if Rick could read his mind he pushed himself off the floor and made his way to the edge of the bunk next to Daryl, their shoulders lightly touching. He looked like he wanted to say something and the expression on his face turned serious. They both had their heads turned to look at each other and Rick finally let out a sigh.

"You alri-..." Daryl's words were sharply cut off as Rick's eyes shut, leaning forward to close the distance between their lips. He froze, his back stiffening as their lips pressed tightly together. Rick reeked of alcohol, his lips were dry and rough. And in a very Daryl Dixon like manner he didn't reciprocate the kiss. He didn't close his eyes or return the pressure that pressed against his teeth. He just sat there in an awkward and stiff fashion, mostly awkward.

He felt his mind snapping, breaking, shattering. Rick without a doubt, irrevocably broke him. He jumped to his feet without an ounce of grace left in him. "I can't..." His voice cracked a bit.

'I can't be lead on. I can't give 'im the wrong impression. I can't kiss him.'

A familiar anger boiled in him as he saw the hurt plastered on Rick's face.

'How could he get lit an' jus' take out his frustrations on me? It ain't fair. I want him but not like this, I don't want some kiss that ain't never gonna mean nothin'.'

Daryl shook his head and walked abruptly out of his cell. He didn't care if it was dark or that he'd left his crossbow behind, he just wanted to be alone. Rick didn't chase him. He knew he wouldn't anyway. It's not like Rick had any real reason to kiss him other than being lonely, because Daryl was convenient, because he'd been stupid enough to give him the wrong impression a few days ago. He'd have no choice but to clear things up tomorrow, for now he just wanted to find some place secluded until he could sober up.


	4. Chapter 4

Maybe we don't all experience love in our lifetime; or perhaps it's just because we aren't ready to. Some people might need a whole lifetime to learn or maybe if they're lucky and they fall in love young.

And there are people like Rick who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath.

Daryl's mamma once told him that those people are the lucky ones; and perhaps they are.

Merle taught him a much more valuable lesson though. It was after the night he paid that girl to fuck his own brother behind a bar. Daryl couldn't shake the feeling of disgust and he was sure that pissed off Merle even more. By the time he found his little brother curled up alone in his room he was in a drunken rage and probably drug fueled rage. Yelling something about how he lost fifty bucks because his brother had no backbone.

"You needa man up lil' bro, I'm tryna help you here, can't have no pussy for a brother. Shit you jus' gonna stay a whiny little virgin forever or sumthin?"

"Ain't none of your business, Merle."

"Ya know how much shit I deal with for you? An' Holly said you insultin' her, goin' round callin' you out on bein' a faggot cause you can't even get it up, you think I want everyone callin' my family faggots?"

Daryl balled his hands into fists, his fingernails digging hard into the palm of his hands. "Ain't queer an' I can get it up. Ya didn't have to pay her, I'm not lookin' to go around fuckin' every pretty girl I see."

"Fuckin' pussy." Merle spat on the dirty carpet. "What do you think, you'll fall in love or some shit? This ain't no fairy tail yer sorry ass is twenty three."

"I just wanna find the right girl I guess, I don't know man."

"Listen 'ere little bro. You ain't never gonna really be able to love nobody, not as fucked up as yer life is." He looked Daryl dead in the eye. "Ain't nobody ever gonna love you neither."

* * *

Daryl awoke with a sharp gasp, squinting into the blinding sun that berated him. 'The fuck.' He let out a soft groan as he sat up. After such a shitty dream he wasn't pleased to look around and discover he'd passed out inside the watch tower. His head pounded from the night before and his back ached from sleeping on metal. He figured with the position the sun was in it must have just turned day break, probably be best to force himself to go eat breakfast.

Entering the cafeteria he found Carol sitting by herself at a table eating a small plate of plain white rice. "Morning." She greeted him warmly as always but he could tell she was studying his face as if to see if he was alright.

"Mornin'... feel like shit right now."

She half smiled at his honesty. "You look like shit right now. Here, have the rest of my rice, it might help you to feel better. My appetite hasn't been good lately."

He nodded and sat beside her, not even caring to think twice about scarfing down the food in front of him like a starving dog. It was odd how easy it was to talk to Carol, nothing like when he tried talking to Rick; which somehow always lead to an argument or debate. As she stood up to leave she rested a hand delicately on his shoulder, holding it there for a moment before letting up her grip. Without saying a word she left, probably to go hang out with all the kids from the prison like she normally did.

He also noticed how her touch didn't make him feel bothered like it did with Rick, there were no fireworks or confusion mixed in.

"She really cares about you." Maggie's voice echoed through the concrete room, almost making Daryl jump. She had a look of accomplishment on her face for some reason Daryl didn't care to ask about to only replied with a small grunt as he finished off the plate of rice.

"Did you sort out the problems you were dealin' with the other day?" Her voice laced with too much curiosity. Daryl froze, setting down his plastic fork his only response was a very small shake of the head.

She continued while closely studying his facial expressions, "I talked to Carol yesterday... we kinda talked about you. Don't tell her I said anything but she said she really loves you, like romantically." It seemed as if she was searching for some kind of answer or acknowledgment the way she studied him.

Daryl hung his head for a moment, furrowing his eyebrows. "Man, stop talkin' about me behind my back as if I cared." He stood up and frantically left the cafeteria, leaving Maggie to wonder what she'd done wrong. She had only tried to help, after all she spoke to Carol since that was the person she was convinced Daryl had been talking about wanting to kiss. He was frustratingly hard to read sometimes. Maybe she'd have to approach things a little differently.

Merle must have been right about him being so fucked up he couldn't love anyone, it would be the only way to explain why he felt so indifferent about what Maggie told him. Somewhere deep down he wanted to care the he had been inadvertently confessed to through Maggie but he somehow felt nothing, and that scared him a little. It was as if the only one who made him feel anything at all was Rick, even if those feelings were mostly negative or gross.

'Rick fuckin' Grimes.' The one that came dressed all wrong for him had been the one that was destroying any lingering ideals he'd clung to about what loving someone is supposed to feel like.

* * *

He wanted to confront him for kissing him the night before, for so thoroughly fucking up his emotions. He already promised himself he wouldn't be used, but told himself maybe he should use Rick for his own needs instead. Because he was tired of being pushed and pushed to the point where his thoughts were consumed with nothing but dirty and gritty thoughts. Besides he'd been taught his whole life that sex and love don't have to go hand in hand.

He power walked into the courtyard only to be blinded once more by the hot sun, and he was a man on a mission at this point. "Rick." He growled as he caught sight of the man he was in search of. Rick was out in the fields, shovel in hand, sweat dripping down his face as he squinted in the archer's direction. And before Rick could even muster a reply Daryl had a firm hand on his wrist. "Follow me."

It felt a bit strange being so demanding but after such a frustrating week it just felt damn good. It felt even better when Rick followed him without question through the courtyard, around behind the empty cell blocks to a small and secluded back doorway.

"Daryl, look, i'm sorry 'bout last night. I was a little too drunk..."

Daryl didn't want to hear it, he didn't really care if Rick was drunk or sober, he only wanted one thing from his at that moment. Something he hoped would give him some clarity. " 'm tired of you fuckin' with my head. You like me in some sick way, Rick Grimes?" He narrowed his eyes as he watched Rick's face contort with a mixture of hurt and confusion.

' o' course he can't answer me straight, seein' how he was only usin' me anyway. I'm gonna break him.' He took a tentative step forward, forcing Rick's back against the steel door. He slid his knee between his legs, pinning him there. He recognized the face Rick was making, it was that same look of want he gave when he pinned him to the car that day. But Daryl wasn't looking to ravage him this time, he wanted to break him down in a much more subtle manner.

He awkwardly leaned forward and dipped his head down to place a soft kiss on his neck. He wasn't expecting the soft moan it elicited from Rick, almost too quiet to even hear, and he couldn't quite explain the excitement that arose within himself at that moment. It happened then, he only intended to start a small storm but it rapidly became a tornado.

Their lips clashed and all at once they were crashing together like waves, driven by a passion neither could explain or begin to understand, a passion so intense it could drown them both. Because that's how it had to be with them, they were all or nothing, they couldn't be anything else. It was in that moment, the first moment in Daryl's entire life, he finally felt what he'd been longing for. Daryl's thoughts seemed to stop all at once, his fears and uncertainty receded and he knew he wanted to get lost in this feeling.

Rick pushed against him hard enough to slightly part his lips and used the opportunity to take over the kiss, their tongues brushed together and this time it was Daryl letting out a small moan against Rick's lips. Before he could respond he was being whipped around, his back shoved against the wall as they swapped places. Without even breaking kiss he shoved his tongue even further in Daryl's mouth. And damn was he good with his tongue. Daryl wondered if his inexperience showed at all as he was completely over powered.

For some reason he expected Rick to rip off his clothes, maybe take him roughly and violently right then and there. Instead Rick pulled away from the kiss, panting for breath as if Daryl had stolen all the oxygen from his lungs. They both breathed against one another's lips for a while without speaking before Rick placed a delicate, almost loving kiss on the mole just above Daryl's lip.

'I don't get it...' He wanted to speak but couldn't find the words. He thought Rick only wanted sex but here they were, sweating and making out like lovers, looking into each other's eyes as if it held some further meaning. It might have been easier if they'd just meaninglessly fucked right then and there, infact it was just downright confusing that he seemed perfectly content with just kissing him.

"Hey, someone might walk around the corner on us. I gotta get back to work, you should get some rest, you got bags under your eyes." Rick cleared his throat, breaking the tension in the air around them.

Daryl rubbed at one of his eyes with a finger, "Don't I always got bags under my eyes though?" His voice made it clear he was joking. It was relieving to see Rick give a genuine and soft smile in return.

As they tentatively and very awkwardly parted ways something within Daryl felt unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even.

What was more terrifying is that everything also felt so _right._


End file.
